RHOBH Recap: German Mind Fuck

April 4, 2018

This cast trip sucks more than a sorority girl on spring break. If I have to hear these Beverly Bitches talk about the annoying Lisa VanderCunt/Kyle/Dorito friendship dynamic one more time, then I'm going to hang myself with one of Dorito's new bathing suits. All jokes aside, this franchise was already dying a slow and painful death and travelling to Berlin definitely did not help. I've said it in almost every recap this season and I'll say it in every recap until it happens: bring Brandi the fuck back

 

The episode started with half the ladies obnoxiously shopping while the other half ordered annoying coffees and made bad milk jokes. Ugh. At this point in a New York trip they would already have gone through 6 bottles of tequila and yelled at each other nonstop in whatever tropical location they had decided on. After watching this sleep inducing season of Beverly Hills I realised that this series is the work we need to put in, to be able to watch New York because we are not worthy of the horrors that they have in store for us. 

 

Following their boring morning, the ladies went horse riding which is a major no no. Vacations are to ride many things and horses are not on that list, that's why we need some single girls on this show so  we can see some ladies slut it up abroad. Even though Kyle is allergic to horses, she still decided to ride a horse and (surprise) got an allergic reaction. I'm not a doctor but I know that if you come into contact with something you are allergic to then the changes are you are going to have a reaction. That is like Kris Jenner dating her young black boyfriend and being surprised when she's pressured into doing anal. What can I say, I hear Corey likes the momager's poop canal. Oh, Lisa Rinna also nearly died on her horse but then didn't. Yep, that is the compelling drama that we have to look forward to on this show, I would rather watch Kris get butt fucked by Corey. Too much?

 

After their "exciting" day, Erika Jayne dressed up as a Russian widow and welcomed the girls to dinner in her Presidential Suite. Of course none of them ate anything and Dorito brought up her beef with Kyle for telling LVC what she had said about her. I thought they dropped this dumb shit at Kyle's store opening? I thought we were done. Just when I was starting to come around to the idea of liking Dorito she opened her mouth and ruined everything. The moral to the story is that you shouldn't say anything bad in the first place and then there's nothing to repeat. To make matters worse LVC defended Dorito which only triggered Kyle who was already hopped up on pain medicine from her allergic reaction. LVC must really be an idiot because she keeps defending the accent confused Housewife even when her and Kyle have had countless talks over it. This dinner is B-O-R-I-N-G, I mean can't Erika cry about her son or Rinna throw a glass? That would really save the trip. 

 

Of course it wouldn't be a dinner if accountability coach Teddi Jo Mellencamp didn't step in to try and make sense of the ridiculous fight that she was witnessing in front of her, but she was shut down by LVC when she didn't agree with her. That is standard Vanderpump Textbook, she discounts your opinion if you don't 100% kiss her ass or agree with her, I mean just ask Kristen Doute about that. Somehow Dorito started bringing up PantyGate in her middle of her fight with Kyle and confused the fuck out of everyone at the table. Did she just come back from doing some of her fresh bathroom coke because she was making zero sense, but she never really does so what's new? After they had the same fight for the 180th time, the Russian Widow kicked everyone out of her room so that she could hit Berlin's hottest gay club with her Glam Squad. Just kidding, I don't know what she did after dinner but I hope she partied with her Gays because I'd hate them to be locked away in a closet the whole trip. 

 

UGHH! This episode just wouldn't end because the next day LVC and Kyle met to discuss their relationship again. Kill me now. Just do it. How many times can they fight about LVC defending Dorito. This friendship is too much drama to even care about, I mean wouldn't you just call it quits and keep it moving instead of constantly talking about the same petty bullshit. Finally they agreed to stay out of each other's friendships with Dorito and focus on one another, but I do not see that happening because LVC is too much of a jealous person. Their relationship and this show is just one massive mind fuck. 

 

To end the episode the ladies walked around Berlin's best landmarks and then drank beer at a local bar and not one memorable thing happened. LVC also spilled the tea that she was to go back to Beverly Hills for some dog thing, so she basically flew 16 hours across the world just to spend two days repeating the same fight which she could have had back home. Eh, maybe the next episode will be a little more watchable without her old, dusty, British muff on my screen.  

 

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs Tuesday at 9/8c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on these 90210 ladies.

 

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