Vanderpump Rules Recap: The Bitch Is Back

April 3, 2018

Tonight we revisited one of the worst and most toxic relationships to ever exist in Vanderpump Rules history: James Kennedy and Kristen Doute. I hated these two when they first got together, I hated these two after they broke and I still hate these two after they may or may not have spent a night together in Mexico. Kristen Doute is my lord and saviour and I don't think that she would cheat on her boyfriend Carter with her possibly bisexual ex-boyfriend, however I didn't think she would have sloppy sex with Jax while her boyfriend slept in the next room. So Miss Doute's word isn't exactly golden. 

 

The only thing to really happen this episode was the drama between Kristen and James, which I was living for. I am so over hearing Scheana talk about her 7 minute man or Jax talking about his fake new job opportunity, so I was ecstatic that Crazy Kristen decided to make her return in this episode. The basis of the rumours that the former couple hooked up was that they were laughing with each other at the club the previous night and Jax saw his pillows rearranged in the hot tub the next morning, which to him meant that they were having sex. Whether James did or did not stick his penis inside Kristen, they still should not have been drinking till the morning in a hot tub out of respect for their partners. These are two people who have been caught out cheating many times before, so you would think that they would be smart enough not to put themselves in situations where people may think that they hooked up. Although I can obviously see many faults in her decision making skills, it kinda makes me like Kristen that much more. 

 

After their ill-faded hookup the boys went golfing and really tore up the green. Now I don't know a lot about golf but I do not that you shouldn't hit the putter into the ground or drive across the course in the cart, which are the only two things that the men did while Tom Schwartz sat in the cart drinking vodka because he was still Schwasted from the night before after he wondered into another resort. Someone needs to strap a Go-Pro to Tom when he drinks so we can see the many Schwasted adventures he goes on. That's a spinoff right there! Sandoval also got all dressed up to play golf, which just shows that is the Erika Jayne of Vanderpump Rules. 

 

While DJ James Kennedy was drunk driving around the golf course, Jax was talking to all the other guys about James, Kristen and his rearranged pillows. This is the crucial part: Sandoval asked James if he hung out with Kristen and he replied saying "a little bit not really" which they all took to mean that he hooked up with her "a little bit not really." First of all, a hook up and a hang out are completely different things and how do you hook up with someone a little bit not really? In true reality TV fashion a game of telephone ensued and the bone got carried all the way back to Kristen who was lounging on the beach with her fellow Witches of WeHo after we got to see her have a shower butt naked. I gotta saw, Miss Doute can get it!

 

On the beach Stassi and Katie both told Kristen that people think she and James hooked up because he confirmed it to the boys which caused Crazy Kristen to come out of hiding and jump down her BFF's throats. Ahhh, Crazy Kristen is like that aunt that you always thought was super funny when you were young but then you grew up and realised that she fucking crazy so you appreciate her craziness from a far at family gatherings but you know not to connect because then she'll turn the crazy onto you. We all have that aunt. 

 

During all the James and Kristen drama, Lala got red roses delivered to her room and Scheana (ugh) who had gone a whole 85 seconds without bringing up Rob had to assure Lala that he would never give her roses because she hates roses and thinks they are #Basic. Really are they #Basic like your makeup, nose, lips, clothes and nails? Because when I think of the Bootleg Kardashian the word BASIC literally flashes in my head. Scheana then went onto say that she doesn't like presents either and that Rob just spoils her with affection, even though he cringes at any sign of her trying to touch him and that fact that Scheana admitted weeks earlier that we doesn't like kissing. UGH. Give it the fuck up Scheana! How did this girl not have any signs that her relationship wasn't actually a relationship? I mean if you aren't getting flowers, presents or affection isn't it just a friendship? SMH! 

 

After Crazy Kristen came out at the beach, the SURvers decided to go out for dinner at a fancy restaurant while Tom Schwartz, who was still Schwasted just wanted some fatty hangover food. Does he annoy anyone else? I mean blackouts are cute when you're in your twenties with no responsibilities but when you are pushing 40 with a wife and your own "business" then you can't drink to the point of no return.

 

Kristen then made a toast to the table which was just a massive F U to James. This is where it gets frustrating because James didn't say they hooked up but Kristen thinks he so they can't go anywhere from here except down. In true James Kennedy fashion he started popping off at Kristen and calling her every bad name in the book which caused Crazy Kristen to jump up and throw her drink on him, but instead it landed on Lala. YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS UP. The wannabe gangster yelled at Kristen who just stood their in disbelief that her aim was so off. In the end nothing actually got resolved and Lala just ended up with a salted margarita on her dress. The only winner in this was Jax who successfully instigated the entire situation and got to sit back at watch. Well played, Mr Taylor. 

 

Vanderpump Rules airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the sexiest SURvers in LA!

 

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