RHOBH Recap: Doggy Heaven

March 22, 2018

What is up with Real Housewives and psychics? In the last year of Housewives, Atlanta has had shady Mbele, OC had a visit from Mystic Michaela and now the Beverly Hills ladies are also taking calls from heaven with Kyle's resident medium Rebecca. I don't understand these women's fascination with the other side but I guess that's what happens when you have too much money for your own good. 

 

Before the seance began Lisa Rinna's mom Lois came to down and gave me all the life that I've been missing from this stale franchise. Just like Harry Fucking Hamlin, Lisa calls her mom by her first name in an idolising way which I love, I mean really who doesn't love Lois? Rinna has tried to get her mom to move down to Los Angeles but due to her commitments as the Queen Bee of her retirement home, she's hesitant in leaving that behind, which I can understand. If you've worked your way up to the top of the elderly food chain then you may has well enjoy the fruits of your well deserved, arthritis riddled behaviour labour. Lisa Rinna also managed to add Lois to her Instagram story which are two of my favourite things. If you aren't a regular watcher of Rinna's Instagram stories then get on it because they are more interesting than RHOBH at this point. 

 

At the lunch for Lois all the ladies were on their best behaviour and Dorito managed to strut in with her new faux locks and make the entire meal about her. Is that surprising to anyone? You could tell that even Lois wanted to saw off her ears and eat them when the accent confused housewife continued to ramble on about her swimwear line. Finally the conversation moved back to Queen Lois who admitted that she feels 30-years-old after her stroke and that she's loving life everyday. We can all take that piece of advice from Lois - in theory, but it's hard to apply it when there's so many dumb bitches in the world that make you wanna pull a weave out! The lunch concluded with Lisa Rinna gifting the ladies with her QVC dusters, which was a nice gesture and a smart advertisement at the same time. Get that coin! Honestly, those dusters are so iconic. 

 

Not a lot happened in this episode. LVP's dog died, Erika gave a womens empowerment talk and then it was time for Kyle's seance, which just sounds like a bad idea. I would much rather them summon the ghosts of Housewives past then their boring, old, dead relatives. At least we'd have some drama! Kyle's medium Rebecca gets calls from heaven and has a hairstyle that needed to be left in the 80s along with her Tales From The Crypt robe. I believe that she does have supernatural powers, but I believed in Santa until I was 15 so I'm evidently not the best judge of suspicious people's authenticity.

 

LVP's Pink Dog died and another one is in the hospital, so naturally she seized the opportunity to grab all the attention she could and get mad at Erika for not reaching out to her about the dead dog. Ugh. Really? Is this going to be the next bad storyline, DogGate? Losing a dog sucks and it's sad but does it really warrant a text from someone that you only see for 3 months out of the year when you're filming a reality show, who was probably more busy organising her Gays and servicing her 78-year-0ld husband? LVP is reaching for straws at this stage in her Housewives career and I'm so over her annoying overly sensitive behaviour when is allowed to make passive aggressive jokes with "British humour" all day long. But hey, thats probably why she's this week's Shade Of The Week!

 

In their seance Rebecca claimed that both Marilyn Monroe and John Lennon were at Kyle's house. Really bitch? Maybe Marilyn might be there because she would have definitely transitioned over to reality TV if she were still alive, but I feel like John Lennon has much more important things to do in heaven than prance around Kyle Richards Bel Air estate. I miss Allison DuBois, at least she gave us some shade with her bitchy comments compared to Rebecca's dull ass. 

 

She also talked about the ladies previous lives which might as well have been an essay of creative writing. Apparently Dorito missed a boat in Greece and PK helped her. Is that where she gets the accent from? Erika, who is also psychic (?) used to be a little boy in the bottom of a ship in Spain who was rescued by a knight. I have no words. Meanwhile Lisa Rinna was probably just a whore in the 1800's, which isn't as glamorous as the other ladies past lives but at least she was getting dick.

 

After the very uneventful reading Erika invited the ladies (not Rebecca, sorry) to Berlin because she is performing there. Really? Couldn't the glam squad/producers have picked a more exciting destination that Berlin. Sorry to all the readers in Berlin but it doesn't exactly scream: Housewives hotspot! Teddi was also invited on the trip who talked about her beef with Erika during the whole episode. Little Miss Mellencamp is in her head too much for her own good and if she can't take being yelled at in a public restaurant then she definitely doesn't have what it takes to be holding a diamond. It's clear that Erika gives zero fucks about Teddi but she's smart enough to squash the beef because she knows that the farm girl won't be around for long, so she swallowed her pride and apologised. Miss Jayne also offered to suck all their husbands dicks and then walked out like the Queen she is. I have no idea where that comment came from but I'm sure that Ken, PK, Mauricio, Edwin and Harry Fucking Hamlin are all over the moon!

 

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs Tuesday at 9/8c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on these 90210 ladies.

 

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