RHOBH Recap: Pretend Amnesia

March 14, 2018

The episode started and I was confused as fuck. I didn't know if I missed the beginning, or if the editors forgot to put in the "previously on" segment, but then it became clear that they were trying to give this season's only real fight a fake hype and make it way more dramatic and appealing by foreshadowing it at the beginning. Eh. Honestly, this is no Vanderpump Rules

 

Five days before the basic blowup, Soap Queen Eileen Davidson stopped by a hotel where Marilyn Monroe had once lived to have drinks with Erika and Rinna. I didn't realise how much I was going to miss Eileen. She was a soft spoken Housewife who stood up for what she believed in and had an exciting day job on the side. She was also one of the only Housewives to leave on her own accord and not be fired or demoted unlike the ghosts of housewives past, such as: Taylor, Adrienne, Brandi, Kim, Yolanda, Kathryn, Joyce, Carlton. Should I go on? Eileen kids are all doing well and so is her hair. Who ever took over as her stylist is doing good because she is older than LVP, but looks 10 years younger!

 

Eileen is a well rounded, stable human being and wasn't made for the cutthroat world of reality TV, which is why she was so confused to find out that her two friends who had been fighting with Dorito about underwear and cocaine the previous year are now friends with the accent confused housewife. Erika bonded with Dorito over their shared interest in riding old, rich dick and Rinna and her both have their big mouths in common. Rinna is a seasoned professional and doesn't really give two fucks about Dorito which is why they can move on, but Eileen having normal emotions, untouched by the angst of reality TV doesn't really understand it. I miss Eileen because she was logical and strong, and a lot less socially clumsy than her replacement Teddi.

 

Let's talk about Teddi Bear. LVP's latest puppy stuck her accountable foot in shit again. Her and Rinna got pedicures together while the hustler recapped her dinner with Dorito. Of course this set off alarm bells in Teddi's head because Dorito & PK had talked shit about Rinna 3 months prior. First of all, how does Teddi even remember what happened that long ago? That bitch would be amazing at a game of memory. Second of all, why was it so crucial for her to tell Lisa about Dorit's comments. I don't think Teddi told Rinna to be malicious, but I just don't understand the thought process. By the way, Lisa Rinna couldn't care less about what Dorito and her swollen thumb of a husband had to say about her. Lisa Rinna is only on the show for the check and was counting down the minutes until she could wrap filming and go home to Harry Fucking Hamlin so he can dive right into her bush for a night of sensual love making before she jetted off for another one of her QVC appointments. We all know he loves a full bush! 

 

Of course Teddi's conversation with Rinna about her conversation with Dorito was on the top of her accountable brain and she wanted Dorito to know that she had told Rinna about what she said, before she found out from someone else. So she called Dorito to have a conversation about her conversation, that was about a conversation. FUCK. Enough already. This accountability crap is driving me crazy and it's really creating unnecessary drama. Sometimes with friends you are allowed to say a little bitchy comment every now and again, or repeat a conversation you probably shouldn't have, but you don't need to go around bringing up conversations to make yourself feel better. This was EXACTLY what Dorito did when she told Erika that the other girls had been talking about her after she left the beach house and Teddi got mad at her about it, so right now they are both hypocrites.

 

Lisa Rinna decided to have drinks with the girls at 4.15pm on a Saturday (?!) who gets drinks in the afternoon? I'm just waking up at that time. This group of women are definitely not the squad I'd chose to woop it up with, New York and Atlanta are much more fun than this group of image aware Housewives. On the way to the event Teddi and Dorito rode together so that they could have their conversation, about a conversation, about a conversation. Teddi's logic behind this was smart because she wanted to get rid of the drama before the drinks, so that their issues wouldn't become an issue amongst the group and everything would be okay. She couldn't be more wrong. 

 

The two rocked up late and of course Dorito wanted to broadcast their car conversation to the entire table. She was pissed that Teddi was telling "her friends" things she had said about them three months prior, but to be honest, I would be pissed too, especially considering this isn't the first time it's happened. But I don't think that's where all the anger is coming from. Dorito is obviously jealous that Teddi is LVP's new favourite chew toy while she has been outlawed to a life of receiving shitty insults from her former British bestie, now she knows how Kyle feels. Lisa Vanderpump is one passive aggressive bitch and her cozying up to Teddi is clearly a big fat fuck you to Dorito. 

 

Dorito brought up Teddi's pattern of listening to her talk shit and then repeating it to the other members of the group which she believes she is doing to start drama. I don't think Teddi is trying to start drama, I just think she wants to keep everyone accountable for their actions which is annoying for Dorito because now she finally has some calling bullshit on her every move. Teddi tried to defend herself by saying that many people thought that what Dorito said about LVP would've hurt LVP's feelings and claimed Erika felt the same way. When Miss Jayne didn't remember their literal 2 second conversation from a few weeks back Teddi said she was having pretend amnesia. Wow. Clearly Teddi hasn't seen the show because Erika Jayne is not the one to fuck with. 

 

The pop star looked deep into the accountability coach's eyes and made it clear that she wasn't faking and that she was not the one to fuck with. You could literally see the shit leave Teddi's body as she was shaking in her chair. Erika's cold looks even scared me on the other side of the TV. I would not want to be on the other end of that stare. What made it even worse was that Teddi sat there and then cried about it. If you are going to come at someone with an insult and imply that they are lying then you need to back yourself up and not weaken when the offended party claps back.


This is why Teddi isn't meant for the Housewives world. She's too normal and fragile to be going up against women who have no problem with confrontation. As Rinna put it, she is a baby dolphin in a pool of sharks which I thought was smart until I realised that sharks are scared of dolphins. So is Teddi actually the shark? Erika shouldn't have slammed her so hard out of nowhere but Teddi should haven't have capitulated and cried in the car to LVP. Not everyone is cut out to hold a diamond. 

 

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs Tuesday at 9/8c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on these 90210 ladies.

 

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