This week it's the battle of the birthdays. Stassi and Ariana have the same birthday and are both throwing separate parties, it's giving me major Bride Wars vibes. Stassi is Kate Hudson and Ariana can be Anne Hathaway, for obvious reasons!
Stassi's birthday, of course, revolved around murder to represent the death of her 20's. Smart move. She also spilled the tea that when she dies she wants to be taxidermied and then be proped up in a photo booth at her funeral, she's really thinking ahead. Can I go to the funeral? Will she be selling tickets at the door? Stassi also filled us in on the latest drama in her and Patrick's relationship. Apparently he blocked her while he was in Amsterdam. Ugh. I'm so ready for them to break the fuck up.
Ariana and Sandoval still aren't having sex because she hates her vagina. She doesn't want anyone looking at or touching it and admitted that she doesn't even visit her friend downstairs herself. Is she clean? Maybe that's the problem. Seriously what can be that wrong with your vagina that you have such anxiety about it? Is it too hairy, is there an extra whole down there, does she have really fat lips? I don't get it. Miss Madix even visited a therapist and told her that her abusive ex would make her visit the doctor for her vagina. What is up with that pussy? Diane Sawyer needs to conduct her own 20/20 special to get the bottom of what's wrong with Ariana Madix's snatch.
Ariana went back to Tom who was confused about her gash issues given the fact that they used to have sex all the time and he would "give her multiple orgasms." Oh Tom. It's cute that you think you made her your girlfriend cum endlessly but I think we all know that a gal has to fake an orgasm every now and then. Am I right Ariana? Even with their awkward conversation out of the way, Ariana still wasn't ready for anything to enter her See You Next Tuesday.
In the midst of party planning and vagina therapy, LVP decided she wasn't doing enough to advertise her businesses on reality TV and planned her own event for World Dog Day. I am so over these fucking dogs. If I hear about Yulin one more time, I'm gonna slaughter a dog myself. Wow, I just read that back. It's a joke, no one call PETA on me. After LVP dismissed her employees from her house, she kept Brittany back to tell her Jax wasn't allowed to come to World Dog Day because he was late to her other party. Is this really going to become a thing? Jax has also been a rude cunt, so I'm not sure why LVP is choosing this act of rude cuntery to pull him up on.
Finally it was time for the Bride Wars style parties. Is it normal a bunch of waiters who are pushing 40 to go all out for a dress up party? I would much rather have attended Stassi's because there was more drama and the thought of being in the same room as Scheana gives me a headache. Ariana's party was pretty uneventful but she was hot dressed up as a Queen, so good for her. She talked to Tom about their sex issue and they both agreed to spend more time together so that she feels comfortable about having sex with him. I'm pretty sure they had a root in the toilet, Danielle Staub style, 2 seconds after their conversation was over. I'm just hoping that Ariana starts to treat her vagina like the queen she claimed to be at her party.
Stassi's party was where it was at. They had a ranch fountain, the New Orleans stripper and zombie paraphernalia everywhere. Stassi, Katie and Kristen got ready together and decided they wanted to look like sluts in a morgue, which is my new favourite sentence, and the name of this recap. Katie spilled the tea that Kevin Lee apologised to her with a bouquet of flowers which was faker than his cheek implants. I was enjoying Stassi's party until Patrick came and made me want to become a zombie. He's so boring and I have no idea why Stassi becomes a submissive little bitch when she's around him. This isn't 50 Shades of Grey, Mr Grey will not see you now. Patrick told Katie and Kristen that Stassi's allowed to fuck other guys but she can't date them which tells me that is exactly what Patrick was doing in Amsterdam.
After Patrick dropped that weird tea, Katie decided it was the perfect time for Stassi to take a shot out of the stripper's ass which she did not want to do. If Stassi didn't want to take a shot out of the stripper's ass then she shouldn't have to take a shot out of the stripper's ass but that doesn't mean she can run out of her own party and leave her friends to pick up the bill. Of course it wouldn't have been Stassi's birthday without her yelling "it's my FUCKING birthday" and running down the street, still in her zombie costume. Even Kristen didn't care enough to run after her, which shows how much she's grown. Aww, I miss Crazy Kristen.
The only thing left was LVP's World Dog Day party which she blocked off an entire street for. How annoying? Traffic is bad enough in LA and now she's blocking off a street for dogs. I'd be pissed. Aside from Lisa getting her standard Vanderpump Dogs advertisement time, nothing really happened at the party except that she bitched to Brittany that Jax didn't text her about not being allowed to come. Fuck me dead. Lisa always wants people to beg her and try and suck up her ass, but why would Jax want to suck up her old British ass to try and go to an event for dogs? I think I'm on Jax Taylor's side for once.
Vanderpump Rules airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the sexiest SURvers in LA!