Vanderpump Rules Recap: Penis Pond

January 30, 2018

Sherri arrived in LA and shit immediately fell out of Jax's ass. Crazy Kristen's evil plan to fly in Brittany's mom in n order to break them up was in full affect and I couldn't be happier to see Crazy Kristen again, it's been too long! Almost all have Kristen's friends have dated Jax and she decided that he wasn't going to ruin Brittany's life with his cheating and toe sucking as well.

 

Lala has obviously taken on the role as the face of feminism, all women scorned go directly to Miss Kent. As part of her new role she decided that Katie and Scheana can't fight with each other because all the women have to join together for the power of the pussy. They should start a band called "The Power of the Pussy" or simply just "Power Pussy" for short, or "Pussy Power" if they want. I'm flexible. Scheana is STILL annoyed that Katie said that Rob kissed another girl but that was like four episodes ago. Scheana keeps saying that she wants to put it behind her but she is literally the only one talking about it and it's pissing me off. Go away Little Miss New Face. 

 

Peter and Kristen's boo Carter both had a joint birthday party which was a first for Peter because he only used to have dick exclusive trips which was supported by those tinted blue flashbacks. Wow Peter looked way better when he had that whole pirate vibe going on, now he looks like a bloated mushroom. For phase two of Crazy Kristen's plan to breakup Jax & Brittany she flew in Brittany's sister Tiffany to make sure to end their relationship. Kristen must have a lot of frequent flyer miles. Sherri had to fill Tiffany in on Jax cheating but it's more than that. Jax didn't just cheat on Brittany, he cheated on her with her friend while an old lady was present in the same room. How is that not a crime? That should be a felony in at least 8 states. 


At Peter & Carter's party, the Face of Feminism (capitalised because it is now an offical title) Lala decided to sort of Katie and Scheana's beef which just ended up with a whole lot of insult slinging. Scheana called Katie fake which is so hypocritical it's almost laughable. Kylie Jenner's lips are realer than Scheana's personality and seems like Schwartz thinks the same way because he called her a Bootleg Kardashian! YAS Tom! He stuck up for his wife and delivered a killer read! After the blowup Scheana cried and continued to blame the Witches of WeHo for making her be mean to Lala and said they made her someone she's not. Scheana is the worst and it is literally hurting my brain cells thinking about her incessant nasal screech. All this action happened in the first 18 minutes and supplied me with more drama than this entire season of RHOBH

 

While Sherri and Tiffany were in town Jax officially resided to being their bitch which consisted of picking up their Taco Bell order. At this point Taco Bell should become a paid sponsor of this show. Jax said he can't even make a run for the Canadian border because of his felony but he should just run the other way to Mexico and impregnate a nice Latino women. That would be a good plot twist! As a consequence of Jax's philandering ways he was made to go out to dinner with his girlfriend's family which sounds horrible but he worked it to his favour. Jax made sure to play the sympathy card and hate on himself which made Sherri feel sorry for him and tell Brittany how bad she felt for him. Wow Jax played his cards well, even the sister believed him. Stassi should have been at that dinner to chaperone and call bullshit on his manipulative ways. Kristen's plan failed and Jax Taylor won, again. Ugh. 

 

The other major drama that Brittany's family helped add to this episode was the possibility of James and Logan's gay sex scandal. At Peter & Carter's birthday party Logan was drunk and told Brittany's straight talking sister Tiffany that he was fucking James and that Raquel was an idiot if she didn't know. Well Raquel is an idiot anyway so there's no way that she could have know. Raquel is Brittany from Glee level dumb and probably doesn't even understand what a gay person is. Naturally Jax laughed when he heard the rumour and carried the bone back to James who had to pretend to be surprised.

 

I don't think that James likes men, I think that he likes attention and Logan was giving him a lot of it. I also think that DJ James Kennedy might like a blowjob every now and again when Raquel is off at "school" and I'm sure that Logan is more than happy to offer him one. Like Kristen said, he's probably waded in the penis pond. Another reason why I'm obsessed with every fibre of Kristen Doute's being. DJ James Kennedy ended up calling Logan who admitted that he made up the lie because he is jealous and in love with him. Mmm, now that sounds rehearsed. I think that James forced Logan to say that on camera so that his name could be cleared from any and all gay rumours. We don't know what happens in their bedrooms but there was a cum stain on his carpet, just saying. 

 

Vanderpump Rules airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the sexiest SURvers in LA!

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