Vanderpump Rules Recap: Suck A Dick

January 23, 2018

This episode was another annual instalment of the Pride parade to remind us that Lisa Vanderpump loves gay people. After six years, I think we get it. For the first time since the show's conception, we actually had some members of the LGBT community involved in the pride festivities, aside from the Tom's and now possibly DJ James Kennedy. 

 

Before the SURvers started waving their rainbow flags, the men of the show, who are truly terrible examples of human beings, went to some weird voodoo meditation therapist to help with their problems. Jax started crying and was happy that the therapist actually asked him how he was doing since he cheated on his girlfriend. What the fuck? Maybe if you didn't stick it in Faith then people would care about your well being. I couldn't give less fucks about Jax's crocodile tears. The therapist gave Jax a hug and the only thing I could think was "don't fuck the therapist Jax!" 

 

Stassi, Katie, Kristen & Brittany did the most Stassi thing possible and went to an outside screening of La La Land, wearing the La La Land costumes, in La La Land. Like clockwork the conversation almost immediately turned to Katie and Scheana's feud. The two SURver's both agreed to stop talking about each other's relationships but they both kept talking about how the other was talking about their relationship. Are you following? This entire beef is so stupid, but maybe their men shouldn't make out with girls that aren't their significant others and this mess wouldn't go down. Katie and Scheana hating each other is really ruining Vanderpump Rules' very own #MeToo movement, I like seeing all the girls come together and they shouldn't let their cheating men get in the way of it.


Lala, DJ James Kennedy and his possible gay side piece Logan all went out and participated in some heavy drinking. James shared the news that he and Raquel were moving in together but doesn't James live in an old man's apartment behind a partition on a blow up mattress? That situation is too messy. Logan's body began to shut down as soon as he heard the news because he knew that he couldn't have his late night tickle sessions with James anymore. 

 

After he shared the news Lala and Logan were laughing about how they ate Raquel's pasta and the White Kanye flipped out because he thought that his friends didn't respect his girlfriend. First of all I don't think Raquel eats and second of all, she let Lala eat her pasta. Suddenly the alcohol kicked in and James started calling Raquel "his bitch" and came for Lala's "fat old man." Wow. The first rule about being friends with Lala is not talking about her man on camera. It's not her boyfriend it's her MAN.Next thing you know Lala went Utah on his ass and they were yelling about pasta on the sidewalk which was just as good as a vintage Sur alley way brawl. 

 

Stassi, Katie and Kristen all assembled in Kristen's apartment, which I feel like we never see and talked about tracking their boyfriends, you know, the usual. Kristen does in fact have a tracker on Carter's phone which shouldn't shock anyone since she is the friend you call when you need to find your man's uber receipt. Miss Doute decided that she wants to break Jax and Brittany up and has enlisted the help of Brittany's mom Sherri to help her carry out her shady plan. I AM LIVING FOR THIS PLOT. I guess that Kristen has officially decided what her storyline for this season will be. I'm so happy that Crazy Kristen has finally made her long awaited return.

 

It was finally pride day and the gang are protesting against bigots and homophobes. In the words of Kristen Doute, if you don't support people loving each other, suck a dick. Which oddly enough is what you do when you love someone, or when you've had a few too many shots. Scheana is still talking about how the girls spread rumours about Rob but she is the only one talking about those rumours. She's really skinny and anxious because she thinks that Rob is going to dump her but if her happiness is so dependant on his feelings, it's probably a good thing that they break up. Rob visited her at Sur and he is not cute in the daylight. That face needs to be solely reserved for dark rooms with minimal lighting. I really don't think that Rob gives more than two fucks about Scheana and would rather undergo open heart surgery than have to hear her nasal voice. 

 

LVP noticed how Scheana was thinner than a sheet of paper and basically force fed her some food while the SURver blamed all the other girls for destroying her "perfect" relationship. If the relationship was that perfect I don't think a rumour about him kissing someone would break it, like the iconic 2009 movie states He's Just Not That Into You. LVP also reminded Scheana that she madly in love with someone else less than a year ago which the whole problem with Scheana Marie. She tries to rewrite the narrative and pretend like her marriage to Shay didn't matter but the viewers have memories longer than 45 seconds. 

 

While Lisa Vanderpump was busy making Scheana keep her food down, James and Logan were engaging in some very homoerotic behaviour, on pride day of all days. They were hugging and whispering in each other's ears while Raquel sat in the corner and started to question the time that James made her play with his ass. The two then said I love you to each other in front of Raquel and it was pretty obvious that there is something going on here. James also said that Raquel and Logan fill different voids in his life, I could think of a snarky comment but that joke writes itself. 

 

Brittany finished her shift and told Jax about how much her feet hurt after marching all day which translated into his brain how stinky and sweaty her toes would be. Jax Taylor has a serious foot fetish and it is making me cringe to think about it. Queen Sherri Cartwright followed Kristen's plan in breaking Jax and Brittany up and arrived at their apartment to the joy of Brittany but no one was more surprised than Jax who looked like he can seen the devil in carnet walk just into his living room!

 

Vanderpump Rules airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the sexiest SURvers in LA!

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