RHOBH Premiere Recap: Cancer Equals Crazy

December 20, 2017

Is this premiere vacation becoming a trend across the franchise, because I am so down for it. This season the girls are going on four trips and their first one was tonight in Las Vegas. Get excited!

 

Before the ladies headed over to Sin City, they were still living their best life in front of the cameras back in Beverly Hills. The producers are definitely trying extra hard to remind us that these housewives are the ones with the most coin. Whether it's Kyle showing off her two different Birkins or the subtle shots of Louboutins and diamonds, it's pretty clear that they are rich. We get it. 

 

We started off with the breakout star Erika Jayne discussing her latest hint of fame. She is fresh of her stint on DWTS and is over the moon about her recent SNL inspired sketch. There's actually been a second sketch of her as well since then. Those writers must love her cunty ass, I mean that in the best way possible! I am drooling at her Queen Bitch/Game of Thrones inspired confessional look. That glam squad isn't fooling around. I think we can all agree that The Pretty Mess snatched the crown away from LVP. Bow down bitches. Tom also forked out the funds for an Erika Jayne Clubhouse, which is what dreams are made of. 

 

Lisa Rinna is also channeling her inner Kris Jenner and becoming a momager for her model daughters. They aren't the next Gigi and Bella but I want them to be. You know that Lisa is hustling to get them down that Tom Ford runway. The blonde daughter Delilah was complaining about having to fly to watch her sister walk in a show after she just came home from travelling, then the family all got vitamin shots while Lisa Rinna talked about keeping them normal and grounded. The mess. Rinna also has Harry's name saved as "Harry Fucking Hamlin" in her phone, which is one of my favourite things to ever happen in life. I also suspect that she is wearing her season 7 reunion dress in her confessional. I love when the wives repeat outfits. 


Dorito's son can exactly speak now and joined a kids music group that is coincidentally hosted by the new housewife Teddi Mellencamp. Wow, I see right through you Bravo. Within the first five minutes of meeting her, Dorito bragged about her house renovations in her accent which sounded so much weirder than usual in that one scene. What the fuck was that about? 


The new girl's dad is John Mellencamp but she couldn't have given less fucks when she was nine and playing with my little pony. True. Teddi seems like she keeps it real and doesn't deal with any bullshit, so it's surprising that Dorit is bringing her into the group. Teddi also had to hammer home the fact, that even though she's rich, she still knows the value of a dollar and that she met her husband after a one night stand. We get it, you're relatable. Look, on first impressions I'm liking Teddi but could they not find anyone better? We went from Brandi Glanville to this? I'm hoping that Teddi steps up, delivers this season and proves me wrong because I DO like her - at the moment. 


Kyle headed over to Erika's Clubhouse with ANOTHER birken bag. We get it. You're rich. She just casually threw in the fact that they are renovating their house while they are in Croatia which is the most Beverly Hills thing you can say, next to "were people doing coke in your bathroom?" Kyle invited Erika to celebrate her birthday in Las Vegas with fellow Cancers Rinna and Dorit. What are the odds? Erika also has an entire room at her Clubhouse with severe light to prove that anyone can look good. You've got to appreciate that. 


Dorit is still renovating her house and it was so much better before. Her backyard went from having luscious green walls to harsh wooden boards which I am not loving. After the movers moved their boxes of shit inside, Dorito ranted to her pimple of a husband P.K. about the upcoming Vegas trip, with a copy of Andy Cohen's Superficial book prominently displayed in her minimalist room. Someone's a kiss ass. Dorit still hates Rinna and Erika and PK added his unnecessary moo point. Whatever.


Dorito also had the responsibility to introduce Teddi to LVP and said they would get along because they both like horses. Yawn. The new girl got an invite to the Vegas weekend because she's also a cancer, not because she's the new housewife or anything. These trip invitations are getting worse and worse. I have a major fear that Teddi is going to become the newest Pump puppet. Sad face. 

 

The girls FINALLY rocked up to the airport after talking about the trip for nearly an entire episode. Dorit has new hair, Erika is open to starting fresh with everyone and Rinna was gonna join the girls later on but decided to ditch her daughters in NYC and chase her check to Vegas. Kyle also spilled the tea that she invited Eileen, so this must have been before she quit the show due to her various soap responsibilities. Fuck, now Rinna is ALL on her own. 


The plane took off. LVP and Kyle acted like idiots. Champagne was dropped on a Birken. And the ladies landed in Vegas. The OG's took the Presidential suite and Miss Richards dished that she saw Harry Fucking Hamlin on a walk and he told her that Kim isn't allowed to be on the show anymore after her creepy bunny apology. Thank GOD for Harry Fucking Hamlin, because I could not take another second of seeing Kim's creepy, unstable ass on my screen. 

 

Erika explained why she liked to have Dick Sucking Lips (lucky Tom) and all the girls assembled in Kyle's room with over the top greetings even though they literally saw each other an hour ago. Ugh. Rinna finally showed up and that was the end of it. Really? After sitting through that boring episode it ended when it finally got good. Ugh. I am not feeling this season at all. 

 

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs Tuesday at 9/8c on Bravo! Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on these 90210 ladies.

 

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