I don't consider myself an expert of anything, but if there was one thing that I specialise in, it's the Real Housewives franchise. I've been watching these middle aged cougars get drunk and fight with each other since Kim Zolciak had Big Poppa and Vicki Gunvalson had her old face. Throughout the years drinks have been thrown, wigs have been pulled, marriages have fallen apart and Housewives have been dragged across the reunion floor. With every growing year, our drama tolerance as viewers evolves and puts more pressure on these women to deliver some good TV. 2017 hasn't been the best year for the franchise but we've still got some moments that can be filed away into the Housewives History books. This is the Good Tea 2017 Real Housewives Franchise Rankings. Enjoy bitches!
7 - The Real Housewives of Orange County (Season 12)
Coming off the heels of their most dramatic season yet and hearing Andy Cohen tease this season as one of the best, made season 12 all that more disappointing. If any other Housewives show had delivered this they may have ranked higher, but the fact that the OC was this bad, deserves last place. The cold war between Vicki, Tamra and Shannon made it pretty difficult to have an entertaining show when the three main ladies refused to film or even speak with each other. The new addition of Peggy and the return of Lydia also didn't do anything to save the show and just set us in for weeks of boredom and desperation for the show to return to it's wine tossing, cancer days. Plus did they really have to go to Iceland?
The whole season revolved around Shannon's unstable and erratic behaviour towards the other women because of her dissolving marriage, which was pretty much the only source of drama. We also had to sit through a second fake cancer storyline that wasn't nearly as scandalous as the first. The disappointment of Peggy, the hatred between the longest running cast members and hearing Lydia chant about cutting her husbands balls off, made the show almost impossible to watch. We did get to witness the epic Quiet Woman dinner which is the silver lining on this boring season.
Star Player: Kelly Dodd
6 - The Real Housewives of Potomac (Season 2)
Potomac is different than it's sister shows. The girls don't have the same level of coin and the drama isn't up to par, but after their stale first season these Maryland girls really stepped up their game. It reminds me of vintage RHOA, just less wear pulling and more shade. This show specialises in messy relationships from Robyn still living with her ex, Charisse's confusing marriage and Ashley's fiery May-December relationship with her husband Michael.
In the drama department Ashley tried her best to get her messy in hands in everybody else's business, Gizelle and Monique had a shade filled feud and there was a whole lot of controversy around Charisse's potential fireman boyfriend. Although they abandoned their stupid etiquette theme, the rivalry of the trip hosts in Bermuda was a reminder of the society life that this group lives in. These ladies rank at second last because the show is good and shady but it's not supplying me with the life that I receive from the other shows. Better luck next year wigs!
Star Player: Ashley Darby
5 - The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (Season 7)
If I'm being honest, Beverly Hills has been down hill ever since Brandi Glanville left. All the ladies have been playing nice for the cameras, which only left Rinna to provide us with some actual entertainment. From her comments about Kim's sobriety, to her xanax smoothies, to asking Dorit if she did coke, Rinna tried her best get her QVC covered hands messy! LVP and Kyle managed to sit by and cash heavy checks for doing basically nothing. These girls should implement the New York system and get paid for episode, so that the girls have to deliver to get some coin.
Aside from Rinna running around accusing people of doing drugs, this was the season where everything got blown out of proportion. Dorit's debut drama was fighting with Erika over not wearing underwear in front on her husband, in the prolonged cold war that housewives fans know as PantyGate. Friend of Eden Sassoon proved by the end of the season that she really wasn't really a friend of anyone after she inserted herself in to Kim and Kyle's drama because of her own addictive past. It was like a watching a massive yawn. This season wasn't totally unbearable, but it was repetitive, slow and lacked what iconic housewives seasons are made of.
Star Player: Lisa Rinna
4 - The Real Housewives of New Jersey (Season 8)
After a few lukewarm seasons of New Jersey it seemed like the show may have been on it's last legs and it was evident that Bravo knew that. Teresa's long time nemesis Danielle Staub was brought back in the role of her most trusted confidant after 8 years of bitter feuding. Teresa & Melissa were placed in the middle while everyone's loyalties were tested. Cakes were thrown, chairs were flipped, glasses were smashed and Dolores called Danielle a scumbag. She should really capitalise off that because I would love a "Crazy Scumbag" t-shirt for Christmas.
Siggy and Margaret's feud was also a key factor in the group's loyalty shifts this season. Siggy's sensitive temperament didn't go well with Marge's sarcastic sense of humour but they managed to resolve their beef until the pigtailed newbie brought up Hitler's name which caused Siggy to call her anti-semitic. There was nothing to lose by these two fighting, but the hatred did seem more skewed on The Sig's side which always made me feel like I was missing a piece of the puzzle. Of course Kim D was back to spread more rumours about Teresa's infidelity this season which resulted in another iconic (and maybe final) POSCHE fashion show. This season the girls returned to their violent roots which was refreshing to see.
Star Player: Dolores Catania
3 - The Real Housewives of Atlanta (Season 9)
Atlanta always manages to deliver a consistent season and this year was no exception. Like Potomac, the ladies relationships with the men in their lives took centre stage. We got a first hand look at Kenya's messy relationship with her crazy boyfriend Matt, Phaedra was still dealing with her jail bird husband, Cynthia was divorcing Peter and we found out the tea that Sheree's ex husband used to hit her. It's almost like an advertisement to steer clear of Atlanta men. The women also managed to throw their shade and gave us life with their snatched wigs and weaves.
Kenya and Sheree engaged in a dumb house war, but I was all the way here for it, because it's light, fun and shady. Kim Zolciak also made her return in the season finale and clashed with Miss Moore which resulted in some of the best reads of the season. You can always rely on Kenya to bring the drama. Season 9 will probably be remembered for all the lesbian rumours. What should it be called? PussyGate? RHOA entered CancerGate territory when it was confirmed that Phaedra created the rumour that Kandi wanted to drug and rape Porsha this season, and I still have no idea how they can come back from that. That resulted in a legendary Housewives moment and set the bar of how dirty and far some women are willing to go.
Star Player: Kandi Burruss
2 - The Real Housewives of New York City (Season 9)
New York has one of the best casts of the franchise, this season they swapped proud Jew Jules out for the recently arrested, former it-girl Tinsley Mortimer and it was a smart choice. Most of the season revolved around Queen Bethenny and Ramona's long awaited war that was kicked of by The Singer Stinger trying to embarrass Bethenny by using her daughter, it was a smart move but was clearly detectable by Ramona's poor acting skills. You'd think she would learn to act after 9 years in the game. Dorinda also gave us several iconic one liners after she waged a war with Sonja due to her loose lips. Tinsley also beefed with her house host Sonja for an obvious Page Six leak.
Carole's main storyline was the election which highlighted all the trumpies in the group (Ramona, Sonja & Luann). We also saw the start and end of Luann and Tom's marriage which was peachy clean when they were together, but a different story in Tom's various off mic moments throughout the season. That man really can't keep his dick in his pants. At the reunion we got a hint of the couple's troubles which resulted in a divorce three weeks later. Was anyone surprised? The girls trip to Mexico was the perfect combination of fights, drinking and luxury. Seeing Sonja get naked and reaching out of the pool for more margarita is an image that will be burned in my brain forever. This season may not have been the most dramatic, but it still managed to be entertaining.
Star Player: Dorinda Medley
1 - The Real Housewives of Dallas (Season 2)
Last year who would have thought that Dallas would have become the best city in the franchise? These girls slayed this season and brought me back to the vintage housewives days. LeeAnne Locken smashed glasses, dressed up like Stephanie for Halloween, spilled the tea about Mark's possible RoundUp hookups and delivered a line that went straight into Housewives History: They're Just Hands. Brandi also spent most of the season playing both sides with everyone which resulted in a total alienation of LeeAnne.
D'Andra and Kameron brought their deep pockets to RHOD and gave the cast a well needed refreshening, even if Kameron acted like a prude about the dildo chase. Dallas had drama, real friendship fractures, marriage problems and messy storylines that all worked together to create the perfect season. Due to the city being the newest to the franchise, everything felt real and genuine which is what is lacking in it's sister shows that have been playing the game for years. This season of Dallas took me back to the early days of the franchise and reminded me why the it initially became so successful. Congratulations you Texan girls on winning 2017!
Star Player: LeeAnne Locken
Do you agree with this ranking? Sound off in the comments!