Vanderpump Rules Premiere Recap: Back To Basics

December 5, 2017

Hearing the sexy theme music of "Raise Your Glass" gave me all the feels and made me realise just how much I've missed watching this messy show. I'm glad my SURver's are back! The episode started with the gang going crazy but then Bravo hit us with that “2 Days Earlier.” This is giving me flashbacks to the RHONJ christening. 


2 days earlier and the crew were all waiting tables at Sur. Lisa Vanderpump walked in and mingled with her sex crazed employees and caught us up to date with everything. Jax and Brittany are still (claiming) to be going strong after Kentucky, Scheana has a new boyfriend Rob who she dated before Shay - who she spent the majority of the episode hating on, LVP wants Schwartz and Sandoval to pay $100,000 into their restaurant TomTom to be partners. Oh and Ariana has a sexy chopped hair cut. Scheana is no longer friends with Katie and Stassi because she said Katie has no friends, then Katie got upset and rage texted her, minus the rage. In traditional Vanderpump Rules fashion, Scheana uninvited Katie to her party even though she never invited her. Wasn’t she a bridesmaid and now they are fighting over her dumb comment? This feud smells like something deeper, like Stassi’s sex tape style. 


After Sur closed, Sandoval was dishing to Ariana about his concerns over opening a restaurant with LVP and Ken because he thinks they will take control and just use Tom&Tom’s names to gain success. All his points were valid but hiding behind a pilar were Lisa and Ken listening to every single word that Tom was saying. This is why I love Vanderpump Rules. It seems so staged that it isn’t, if you know what I mean? 


Meanwhile Stassi is living proof of life after Sur. She moved into a new apartment in the same complex. Katie came over and the conversation quickly turned to shit talking Scheana. I didn’t realise how much I missed these two hating Miss Marie, it really took me all the way back to the early Mean Girls days. Stassi spilled the tea that her and Patrick are back together for the 80th time. It’s just sad because we all know how it ends with her crying in Mexico Carrie Bradshaw style. But Stassi’s so committed she’s even considering anal. I guess sticking something foreign up your butt is a sign of commitment, except if your Lala because it's called a Tuesday. 


James Kennedy is back on the show and he isn’t totally unbearable. He’s in his apartment with his gay best friend preparing for his girlfriend to come home. I don’t think that James and his GBF hooked up, but I definitely think that the producers want us to think they did, with the homoerotic selfies they have together and the lingering way that his friend looked at him with Raquel. Something shady is going down and I am here for it. Maybe we will get our first ever Pump Rules gay couple? I mean they are in West Hollywood. 


Schwartz and Sandoval were at their restaurant which is in preproduction stages when LVP walked in with Ken wobbling behind her. It seems like she’s already picked out the theme which is: Industrial Romantic and decided the placing of everything without consulting the Toms. I am #TeamSandoval on this because opening a restaurant with LVP would not be fun or fair. I feel like she is going to throw her 33 restaurants in their faces whenever they can’t agree on something. Sandoval was questioning and criticising most of Lisa’s ideas when she brought up the shit talking she heard the day before in Sur. Sandoval actually stood up for himself but Lisa stormed out and dropped the bomb that she might reconsider their whole deal all together. Oh, and Ken followed her out. I feel for Sandoval because if you go up against LVP you lose. It’s not called Vanderpump Rules for nothing. 


Everyone was getting ready for Scheana’s big masquerade ball at a night club. It’s unclear if it’s for her birthday party or to announce her relationship with Rob, either way I really don’t care. Jax and Brittany are all loved up and they look skinny and great after their stint in Kentucky. He’s trying to advertise his move with Brittany as best he can, but we all know he was evicted after punching his landlord - let’s not sugar coat. The happy couple literally live DOWN THE HALL from The Schwartz-Maloney’s which would be beyond annoying with a nearly 40 year old man-baby constantly raiding your fridge. Stassi was also third wheeling with Katie and Schwartz and I always forget that her and Jax used to date. How times have changed. 


Finally it was time for Scheana’s party and Kristen is there, I almost forgot she was on the show. What is wrong with these Bravo producers? They leave her out of the trailer and out of most of the premiere? You can’t have Vanderpump Rules without Crazy Kristen. That just doesn’t work. Scheana and Rob arrived at her party and I don’t care for it. She is trying SO hard to try and shade Shay which is just sad to watch. I think her new relationship is real, but she is definitely trying to play it up and fast forward it. the best she can. I mean she said that he is all she’s wanted for ten years. Really Scheana? Then why did you marry the chubby, socially impaired music producer? 


Sandoval also spilled the tea that Faith has been saying that she slept with Jax so he told him and obviously he denied it. Meanwhile, Faith told James at the same party that she had unprotected sex with Jax and she might be pregnant. What the fuck?? I thought the cheating rumours were crazy but now we have a possible pregnancy on our hands? OMG. This shit is crazy, but I don’t think it’s true. Jax is more committed to Brittany than he has ever been before and I think that Faith is doing the most to try and get on a show. But on the other hand, Jax is the best liar on the face of the earth so I don’t not believe it. For Brittany’s sake I HOPE it’s untrue and given the fact they are still together in real time, I think it might be. 


I didn’t take long for the rumour to get back to Brittany and her Kentucky ass was pissed, but not as pissed as Kristen who’s crazy side was in full force.  Maybe she’s still protective over her Kentucky muffin? I’m kidding, but if Jax could lie about his friend eating out his girlfriend then he could definitely lie about sleeping with Faith. Just as Schwartz arrived, the whole party erupted into chaos with Brittany threatening to take the dogs and leave Jax. When they threaten to take the dogs, you know they're serious. I. AM. GETTING. STASSI. FLASHBACKS. 


Brittany's past two seasons have been child's play in comparison of what's to come because let's be real: you haven't become a true member of the show unless you've been involved in a cheating scandal with Jax Taylor. So Brittany, welcome to Vanderpump Rules!

Vanderpump Rules airs Monday at 9/8c on Bravo. Stay tuned at Good Tea for our shady recaps and exclusive tea on the sexiest SURvers in LA!


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